Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Suddenly inspired

So I was reading Will Work For Favorable Dicta, and was inspired by her post regarding MSN's Top Ten List of things every single girl should own. At first I thought I'd post my own list - and I still will, but I'm going to think on it for a bit - but until then, I'm posting my response to the MSN's list.

1 - A fabulous photo of yourself. MSN says you should post it on your fridge so that the guy realizes that you're hot. That you should keep it until you're 80 so you remember that you were hot back in the day. I say, what's the guy doing looking at your fridge if he doesn't already know you're hot? Also, I agree that you should keep the photo, but I'd add that you should take a new one every year. Every year I age, I lose something; but I also gain something. What was hot about me at 20 isn't what's hot about me now at 35. But if I can't flow with my life and feel good about myself just as I am at every age, if I'm spending all my time wishing for a time that's long gone, then I've stopped living and you just might as well shoot me.

2 - A pretty pair of heels. Okay, so long as they don't cause blisters. Seriously, what's sexy is what feels good as well as looks good. New York is chock full of fashion victims wearing the latest lowslung jeans - which their gut either bubbles over or which they're tugging up every 30 seconds- and the hottest Manolo Blahnik heels - that make them walk like they're balancing on pogo springs. Sorry, but if you can't leave it alone or move well in it, it ain't sexy! Give me my ol' Aerosoles any day because they allow me to move confidently even with my pelvis thrust forward. All the way forward!

3 - An Eminem CD. Okay, anyone with a little brains can translate this into, "Girl, what up with the girl band, soft-rock Hall of Fame CD library?!!" My version of this? Get a high-speed Mac with killer speakers and listen online to great non-Top-40 stations (my favs are WFMU and KCRW), or download fabulous rare music by obscure or yet to break bands. And if you really want to impress a guy, own material by novelty artists like Ivor Cutler or Rodeohead.

4 - A great pickup line.. and a way to blow 'em off. How 'bout the ability to improvise a great pick up according to your immediate circumstances and a great way to blow 'em?

5 - A six pack of good bottled beer. Well, I always keep a good bottle of scotch around. But if I REALLY liked a guy who REALLY liked beer, I'd keep a couple bottles of Chimay around. NOT the Sam Adams that MSN suggests.

6 - Bathroom reading. What?!!! If he's in the bathroom at my place, he better be doing his thang as quickly as possible so he can return to bed ASAP. What's he doing in there reading while I'm cooling off on the sheets? Whatever. If you're going to provide bathroom reading anyway, provide the Penthouse Forum.

7 - A business card. Why not just tattoo your digits across your tits? Not only will he have seen them, he'll remember them.

8 - Earplugs. For in case he snores. Oh God. Listen, if he's overweight or has a cold, he should sleep in his own bed. If his snoring is caused by some other obstruction, then he should wear a clamp over the bridge of his nose. Why should I wear something because of a problem he has? The less snarky solution would be to just start snoring too. Nothing expresses bliss like a pair of snorers snoozing their cares away - together. Aw. ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz[snort]

9 - A straight male friend on your speed dial. I have plenty of straight male friends. Always have. But no one, and I mean No One, is on my speed dial.

10 - A condom. An anti-family pack of condoms within arm's reach of the bed and a gallon of Astroglide. I'd also add, a toy drawer and a copy of The Guide to Getting it On.

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