Friday, September 01, 2006

Arrogance

A lot has passed through my mind since yesterday. It's hard to limit this entry only to those thoughts that are meaningful. So I will try to limit this entry to those thoughts I anticipate picking up again in the future.

First, I'm in Boston and the house here is finally beginning to feel like my own. I'm sitting at my desk where I expect to do a lot of schoolwork this year, looking out the sliding glass door at the marsh beyond ("Marsh! Not a swamp." Rousseau would argue.). The cats are draped about the bedroom resting up from their nocturnal adventures. A home is just about all I've ever wanted, and I mean the feeling of home, not any actual structure. Here is where my heart is, both himself, as well as my own energy - expended in developing safety and beauty inside these four walls, transforming them into much more than the sum of their mere particles. Having grown up certain I'd never get anything I want, and spending the past 16 years turning my thinking around... to see this home developing in front of me, to begin to actually experience that which I want... I'm still new enough at manifesting to be profoundly moved when it happens. And I'm still surprised to be overwhelmed by welling gratitude and grief, instead of ecstatic jubilation, whenever I reach a goal.

Last night, in NY's Chinatown, I gave an Indian woman four dollars. She told me that she was about four dollars short of the fare for the bus. After I gave her a dollar, she loitered around in front of me, trying to start up a conversation. I was happy to help, but her continued presence discomfited me. And despite my suspicion that she was lying about the bus, I eventually fished around and came up with another three dollars in change. And suspicion confirmed, she was not on the bus when it left the depot. I was conflicted at the time about why I gave her additional money when I thought she was lying, but then realized this morning that mostly, I probably gave it because I had wanted her to go away. I don't miss the four dollars, nor do I feel like I was chumped by that woman, but something about the event is nibbling at me. I will write more as my thoughts become clearer.

And finally, I am also bothered by my arrogant answer to Professor Ghandi on Wednesday. Now, I'm not neurotic. I'm pretty sure that I'm the only one who still remembers my answer, and I'm not about to hide away into some shell because of it, or to assume that my class now thinks I'm arrogant and will treat me accordingly from now on. It's totally possible that I'm the only one who even thought I sounded arrogant. But while I've further developed my thoughts on why I always feel as if I'm different from the rest of the world, I haven't been able to unpack why I'm bothered by my personally perceived arrogance. Truth be told, I hate arrogance in all its forms. And you know what the spiritualists say - look into that which bothers you the most. I've a feeling that if I were as evolved as I could be, I would care less about arrogance. And therefore, this merits investigation.

Don't you have a lot to look forward to!

1 comment:

rousseau said...

I have tried to learn what "arrogance" really means. Is it arrogant to speak or feel confident? We are brought up to feel guilty for outward confidence. Where the root of this comes from can be argued greatly. Organized religion for one looks at outward expression of confidence as arrogance and something to be ashamed of. I should probably preface this by not accusing "all" organized religion, only that which I have been exposed to in my past, thus tainting my views.

What I would ask is "what makes you feel you were arrogant?"