Sunday, November 12, 2006

Conclusions

Okay, so I’m freaking out about this paper. By some divine intervention, I was able to squeak out about two hours last week to pound out an outline of what I’d love to write. At first it was amazing and exhilarating. But then I started reviewing the outline during class and realized that there’s no way in hell I can write what I want, because I barely have enough time to read for class much less do the additional research my outline requires. All I can give to this paper is my own understanding of spirituality, and whatever skill I can muster to analyzing the materials from class according to my spiritual understanding. That has to be good enough and I intend to approach my professor with my idea as it is not entirely out of line with other options he has offered the class. But for some reason, I am terrified of discussing it with him. I think mostly because I am proposing that I lay my spiritual-self bare to the legal system. If I possessed any true faith, I would understand that faith is stronger than any man-made set of rules like the law. But my faith is not so strong. I look around me and everywhere I see ego laying waste to consciousness. Faith is about the unseen. Reaching the unseen takes energy, and I have none at the moment.

On a similarly gloomy pitch, I’m arriving back in New York armed with several documents dug out from my archives: an agreement with a credit card company that actually does not reverse the negative status of my credit reports; a letter given to me at the beginning of my transfer to my current law school detailing the number of credits that I have to complete in order to graduate, and which does not help me argue to have the number of credits I have to take next semester reduced to a manageable level; and a loan application co-signed by my husband, which may or may not pass.

I am tired of finishing off old business. This past week I put out extra energy and effort I didn’t have in attempts to complete future tasks. Those efforts did not pay off. And most of all, I do not have the energy to struggle with my financial situation any longer. I think about quitting law school every day. It is a reprehensible, hazing system that everyone agrees is horrible but which no one changes. The problem at my law school is its representation of itself as being different from other law schools. Because of this representation, the student body is different from other law schools, but ultimately, the school itself – its administration, its understanding of law – is no different. Generally, I don’t fight it. I keep my nose to the grindstone and attempt to flow with the punches, and this, mostly, saves my ass. Because I don’t waste energy on battles I can’t win and put all my energy into those battles I can.

But today, on the heels of this past week, I have no extra energy to give to anyone. So don’t even bother to ask.

1 comment:

Winston Smith said...

As tempting as it is, please don't think about quitting law school. The number of disenfranchised people in need of a voice grows every day. There are so few people of true honor and conviction, I think, and it falls upon those who have carried past burdens to carry those of others in the present. You have a good heart and a kind, nurturing soul. That is what will set you apart from your colleagues and that is what will, in the end, allow you to find peace.