Monday, May 30, 2005

Recipe for healing heartache

1. Spend waaaay too much money on music. Listen to music ALL the time. When tinitus sets in, see a doctor. Make and send depressing, lonely-hearts cd mixes that you know all your friends are just gonna LOVE!

2. Avoid all housework.

3. Anytime you're feeling lonely - but especially on weekend nights when you're sitting home alone in your dark apartment surfing the web while EVERYONE ELSE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD is out with his/her luhv-AIR - google search your ex's name and read anything he/she has ever posted on the internet. Get pissed off 'cause he/she is extremely intelligent and funny. Feel vindicated by every typo.

4. Write long "I Hate You, You Effin C*@!sucking Illiterate Inbred White Trash Mongoloid" letters. Consider sending them until you realize that not only will the letters not bring him/her crawling back to you, but that they will likely get you served with a restraining order.

5. For God's sake, DO NOT sleep with your friends! You'll need them to introduce you to singles when you're finally ready to scrape yourself off the floor and take showers again.

6. Wonder if you'll ever stop thinking of him/her whenever you pass that stupid french restaurant where you had that stupid fight that one time. Hate everyone who eats in that restaurant. Feel sorry for yourself because you love their steak au poivre but you can't bear to consider eating there ever again. Vow to have many first dates there (once you're dating again) as an act of defiance.

7. Notice how every time you do anything that you once loved - eat, sleep, masturbate - that you cry.

8. Indulge in dreams and fantasies of escaping your life by joining a pirate ship, Aaargh!

9. Drown your imaginary children.

10. Toss, regurgitate and serve with a room-temperature bottle of Dalwhinnie.

1 comment:

sue.s said...

Excellent thank heaps for that, needed a laugh between the lonesome tears :-) Missed... Realise in another year you will wonder what the? You were doing with that looser anyway :-(