Tuesday, October 17, 2006

No Clue

I haven’t done this in awhile – written without having a topic in mind. I can’t imagine that this type of writing produces anything of interest to anyone but myself, but I’m compelled to engage in this experiment today – for some reason.

I’m debating not going to class today. In fact, I’m beginning to resent school. Of course I’m not going to quit – I’ve come too far and it’s temporary, so I will complete it. But I’ve discovered that I really, really, really resent client work. I suppose it took immersing myself in it to actually discover this. If I’m interested in social change, and most social change comes with some type of litigation, client work is a must. However, I’d rather be doing research and writing and I’m getting absolutely no time to do that right now. And it’s pissing me off.

I’ve been examining my resentment and something’s come to light. My family was all about their problems and their dramas, to the exclusion of what I, the child, might have needed or wanted. So long as there was food on the table and clothes on my back, my parents met their obligation and anything else I might have wanted – like companionship, direction, recognition – were spoliation. I however, was expected to act as my father’s therapist. And, my own survival instinct kicked in – I began to work to fix things between my parents, to be a good child, to excel above and beyond my capacity. If I could do that, then maybe mom and dad’s problems would resolve and then they could turn their attention to me. Basically, I was coerced into service as a young child, and being of service to clients today engenders the same feeling of coercion within myself.

When I’m meditating, exercising, am devoting enough time to my own pursuits – here, research and writing – then I have extra with which to help others. Right now, I have nothing and I’m feeling coerced. And I’m becoming resentful. I can’t quit a client though, after I’ve accepted their case. That would be unethical.

Hmmmm, what to do about this.

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