Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Again and again and again

Yeah, okay, so I’ve been away for awhile. I have all sorts of excuses, etc. The short of it is that the transition I just went through? Well, instead of the ripple I expected, I got a tsunami.

I’ve been spoiled my last decade or so. After the first five or six years, during which I was miserable, I adapted to and became good at living in New York. As much change as I navigated during those cumulative 18 years in New York, at a minimum I always knew who I was and where I was. I didn't credit that knowledge enough for the comfort and stability it gave me. I've lost my mooring in New England. There have been identity struggles, adaptation to not only the region but also to my new marital and professional status. Even now, 1.5 years after graduating and moving, writing this list makes my chest seize up. The list overwhelms and angers me.

Reading this, you’d think that I was/am miserable. Not true. It’s just that I have a delicate constitution when it comes to writing. That might seem like a cop-out… even I have a voice in my head that chastises me for making excuses: “If you’re a writer then you write; if you don’t, then you’re not.” But that’s exactly the point: what/who am I now? The absence of my reflection in the world has always been the norm, but *now*, now that I have a clearer idea, believe it or not, of whom I am and what I'm to be doing during this life, this planet, instead of becoming more familiar, has become more alien. This disconnect makes me question my new certainty about my place in the world. And writing feels more and more dangerous in proportion to the width of that disconnect. But this is a larger story we’ll get into later.

For now, amazingly enough, I do have a couple of series of posts that I started during this long hiatus. That’s right! A couple of *series*. One post is so old, I was still in law school when I drafted it. I think they’re relevant for explaining what I’ve been going through the last year and a half, so I'll dust them off, but they need editing and elaboration. Stay tuned Mr. Moth.

1 comment:

Christopher A said...

good to have you back beauregard.